People are driving like shit all the time. It used to be rare to see someone run a red light, abuse the carpooling lane, or exceed the speed of sound in a residential area, but now, this crap and worse happens all the time. I wondered just why this was happening. I came to the conclusion that people driving so poorly fell into two categories: The clueless, and the pricks.

Basically, the clueless don’t know the law. The DMV I went to would have given a driver’s license to a tampon applicator. The clueless doesn’t know the law and was awarded a driver’s license anyway. They usually tend to be incredibly stupid as well. The pricks are the people willing to commit any act of vehicular douchebaggery simply because they think they’re better than everyone else. They’re so self-centered they drive however they want regardless of how rude or dangerous it is.

Here I have presented some of the very basics of driving, that apparently, a lot of people are unaware of. I also cover some driver’s etiquette because a lot of folks seem to be lacking the common sense necessary to understand that blasting the vehicle in front of you with your high beams is a dick thing to do.

What do the colored lights mean?

This is important. These lights tell you when to stop (red), slow down/proceed with caution(yellow/orange), and go (green). Let’s clear up a few technicalities/misconceptions.

• Contrary to the way some dickheads drive, a red light always means stop. Never run a red light. Even if you’re in a hurry to get somewhere because you slept in, don’t run the light. You might have a very high opinion of yourself, often accompanied by a microscopic penis and a compulsion to go to the gym and shower with other men. This does not entitle you to run a red light. Take the time stopped at the red light to look at yourself in the mirror. Attempt to hide your homosexuality by awkwardly flirting with the soccer mom in the minivan next to you.
• The yellow/orange light does not mean “speed the fuck up.” Proceed with caution, if safe to proceed, go on through. If not, stop so you don’t slam into another car going 300 mph and end up in one of those grisly accident videos that the police would have forced you to watch at traffic school if you had survived.
• Green means go. Don’t sit there like a putz, making everyone wait. If you do, expect someone to exit their vehicle, yank you from your car, and stomp on your head until you have an asphalt tattoo on your face.

Mind the signs.

Speed Limit Sign: These signs are important. They tell you how fast you can drive legally. Contrary to popular belief, they are not just a suggestion; they’re the law. Apparently many people don’t realize this because I hear stupid shit like, “Oh my god, that asshole cop gave me a speeding ticket for driving 98 miles an hour. What a jerk.” all the time. If you’re doing 98 in a school zone (or anywhere else for that matter) and get a ticket, it’s your own fault. Stop bitching about it because you were practically begging for it. It’s like kicking a ninja in the nuts and being surprised when he cuts you in half.

Stop Sign: I know the concept here is pretty vague, but I’ll do my best to explain it. When you see a stop sign, simply stop, then when it is YOUR TURN, proceed. Don’t be surprised if someone runs the stop sign, or takes your turn. Although they probably just don’t know the law, ignorance of the law is not an excuse, so kindly inform them of the stop sign’s function by caving in their face with a tire iron.

Deer/Illegal Immigrant Crossing Sign: Fuckin’ gun it.

No U-Turn Sign: Don’t make a u-turn. That’s pretty simple right. I know what you’re thinking, “But if I don’t make an illegal u-turn here, I’ll have to drive, for like, ten seconds longer to find a place to turn around legally.” Life is hard, and you don’t need an extra burden. But come on, your dealer can wait an extra ten seconds for that blowjob you promised him in exchange for a teaspoon of horse.

Handicapped Parking Sign: Even if being incredibly stupid counted as being handicapped, you’d still need the sticker for your car to park there.

Miscellaneous Information and Driver Etiquette.

Turn Signal: If you don’t use your turn signals, you’re an asshole. If you see someone in another lane signal that they’re going to change lanes in front of you and you speed up, you’re an asshole. If you turn on your signal after you start turning, you’re missing the whole point of using a turn signal and you’re a stupid asshole.

Cell Phones: If you’re so important that you need to be taking calls every waking moment of your life, you should be smart enough to talk and drive at the same time. Usually people aren’t, and someone ends up crashing their over-sized SUV into a telephone pole. Then their vehicle, which looks gay by the way, blows the fuck up and the idiot with a cell phone in her ear is consumed by a gigantic, over-the-top, Hollywood special effects extravaganza type fireball. It serves her right and everyone points laughs. Eventually someone comes along and puts out the fire, cleans up the wreckage, and takes the charred remains of the driver to the zoo to feed to the lemurs. You wouldn’t think those arboreal sons of bitches ate people, but the ones at the san Diego Zoo developed a taste for burnt human meat when a drunk tourist was struck by lightening and fell in the lemur cage. I ought to know, I’m a local after all.

Stay in your lane: You may think you’re important enough to completely disregard the lines on the road, but you’re not. Deflate that swollen head of yours dickweed; you’re not above basic traffic laws. If you start veering into my lame because you’re an empty-headed nitwit with a two second attention span, don’t be surprised when I run your car off the road. I’ve got an old car too, from back when they made the entire vehicle out of metal. Even my rear view mirrors are fucking metal. If I slammed into your gaudy, plastic piece of shit, I doubt there would be anything left of it, or you. So pay attention and be courteous, and stay in your lane. If you need to get over, simply signal, then change lanes when it’s safe. Isn’t that a lot easier than getting destroyed by my car? I’m here to help people. Taking my advice saves lives.

Tailgating: The ultimate sin. Not only is it extremely dangerous(especially if you tailgate me because I’m unstable and prone to violence)it’s rude. If you tailgate me, I’m going to stop suddenly. Because I have a badass metal car, your puny vehicle will be crushed like a beer can against my forehead if you run into me. Then I’ll sue your ass for pissing me off and you’ll end up hanging yourself in a closet.

High-beams: If I wanted to go blind I would have gouged out my eyes already. It seems like some people never turn their high-beams off. Since my car isn’t eighteen feet tall, it’s especially bad if someone’s highs are on and they’re in some massively jacked up truck. Thanks a lot, your headlights are positioned at exactly my eye level. Now, not only do I know you have a small dick and are overcompensating with a big vehicle, I also know you’re an asshole. If your night vision is so bad that you need two six billion candlepower lights to see, you shouldn’t be driving in the first place.

Driving too Slow: Although driving too fast is bad, driving too slow is a problem too. I don’t need to be stuck behind some retard in a minivan, pushing seventeen mph in a 45 mph zone. I can appreciate your commitment to safe driving, but driving like that is dangerous. I say it’s dangerous because it makes me (and other drivers) want to kill you.

Driving Drunk: I’ve known people who actually drove better when they were shit-hammered; Of course, they’d been practicing for years. Practice makes perfect – but if you’re going to practice drunk driving, make sure you practice during a gay pride parade.

Pointless Honking: If you honk at people for no reason, you better pray to whatever god you worship it’s not someone who owns a gun. In heavy traffic honking at the person in front of you, who is obviously halted because there are thirty-five thousand other cars in front of him all trying to use the same freeway entrance, is a lame thing to do. Not only is it lame, it is the epitome of pointless. Nobody is going anywhere for a long time. When you senselessly blast your horn in traffic, all you’re doing is pushing someone closer to the edge. Every time you honk you’re saying,

“Please Mr. crazed lunatic, make me your first victim.”

Carpool Lane: You must have 2+ people in your car to take advantage of this lane. Dummies and luggage don’t count as people, however, a dead person is still a person so they count.

That’s all I can think of for now. But I’m sure I’ll think of more the next time I have to get behind the wheel. Driving is so infuriating that once I actually followed someone home because he cut me off twice. I wanted to kick his ass. The little bastard was quick though and managed to get from his car to the safety of his living room before I was able to pummel him.

Anyway, I hope this is a wake-up call to all the uninformed peons out there who were driving like shit accidentally. I’d also like to let the people who drive like an asshole on purpose, that I just got my paycheck and I’m going to go buy a gun.

By: Paul Galicki