In 2019, I had a spiritual awakening. My emotionally unavailable parents had a significant effect on the way I contributed to society. Both good and bad. After continual learning, internal evaluation, and ongoing observation — the way I saw my life and the world completely shifted. Here are 6 things I learned from my emotionally unavailable parents that might be able to help you move forward in life:
1. Emotionally unavailable parents can’t support you how you need to be supported
As sad as this may sound — emotionally unavailable parents can never support you in a way that you feel you deserve. Specifically, these types of parents do not have the means to provide adequate emotional support for you — as they lack this within themselves. Waiting for your parents to bring you this comfort is impossible and might cause you more pain than necessary.
When I delved deeper into spirituality and started practicing holistic healing methods — one thing became clear to me. I needed to stop waiting for my parents to provide me specific support that only I could truly provide myself. Now please note, I am an empath — which means I feel, A LOT. And with this gift, I found it hard to juggle my emotional instability. I’d often turn to my mother for support.
Of course, she was unable to support me in the way I needed. All I wanted from her was to tell me something like, “it’s ok to feel emotional”. But instead, she’d say something like, “why are you crying? There are things to be happy about”. Although this was true, it wasn’t the response I was hoping for — and, over time, I realized how important it was for me to let go of a dependency on emotional support from my unavailable parents.
Alternative read: Diversity of Thought
2. It’s not your job to change anyone’s behavior in life
I’d be lying if I said I never questioned my parents as to why they were always so cold and not in-tune with their feelings? Heck, I’d even openly ask them why I never felt an emotional connection with them? Of course, only to be told their opinion that probably wasn’t worth asking.
Through all of this, I realized that it was not my job to change my parents’ emotionally unavailable-ness — and everything it entails. Yes, it enraged me at the time. Especially because I’m a parent and am raising my son differently from them. But it still wasn’t something I needed to do.
In fact, nobody can force someone else to change their behavior — as everybody on earth has free-will. With this in mind, I found it slightly easier to let go of these expectations that I had of my parents and to begin finding them within myself.
3. Happiness comes from within, not from others
You must find happiness within yourself before expecting it from others, especially from your emotionally abusive parents. Numerous issues I was healing from came from a lack of emotional support from my parents growing up. With this came insecurities and deep-rooted sadness within myself. As time progressed, I noticed becoming reliant on others bringing me happiness.
Once I moved home in 2019, with my son and back into a toxic household — I yearned for happiness to be given to me from my parents (as they were the only people around me at this time). Of course, their love was limited — and after my awakening, internal happiness is something I work on every day. Happiness comes from within: the sooner you nurture this, the less reliant you’ll become on your parents.
4. You must set boundaries with yourself
Setting boundaries with yourself is important: you can prevent emotional triggers and help you remain calm. Growing up with unavailable parents, you’ve likely had no boundaries with either them or yourself. But the sooner you do this, the better off you’ll be. Boundaries can support you as you experience life, it can help your spiritual well being, as well as provide mental benefits.
5. Breaking trauma comes with tough challenges
If you’re anyone like me and have experienced a few trauma-or-so from the upbringing of emotionally unavailable parents — healing is extremely important to move on in life. But it should be noted that breaking trauma comes with tough challenges along the way.
Don’t be surprised if your emotional parents become angry, hurt, or despise your attempts to heal yourself. In addition, keeping your inner-healing private for a while can be the best thing for you. Abusive parents might become frighteningly offended, in which instance — cutting contact for the time-being is recommended.
Continue reading: How to Deal With an Abusive Father
6. It’s never too late to heal yourself
There was a point in my life where I thought I would always live my life angry, cold, and emotionally unavailable. But I was wrong. It is never too late to heal yourself from the effects of your emotionally unavailable parents. And it is never too late to come out the better end of it all.
Here are some ways can start healing from your emotionally unavailable parents:
- Build-up your self-love tank
- Engage in guided mediation work
- Journal how you feel
- Start communicating more, with an open and honest perspective
- Speak from the heart
- Be open to others
- Protect your energy
- Find the courage within yourself to push through
You’re not alone
There are so many people out there in the world that have experienced their share of emotional unavailability. Whether you’re working through it in yourself or have been scarred by the effects of it — you are not alone. Focus on self-love, caring for yourself, and finding inspiration in life to push through.
– With love, C | EYLIZA
Editors note: This article has been reposted with permission from the original owner.