This crippling anxiety this holiday season is killing me. Please hear me out, I love the holidays. For me, fall was always the kick off of everything. Halloween, thanksgiving, christmas, new years eve and my birthday. As a kid, my mother spent so much money on decorations for our house, meticulously placing everything in its right spot. Our house was the one that usually entertained the family and much of the cooking was done there as well. The stereotypical dysfunctionality of putting everything together always mimicked the events themselves. but it was always done with a certain execution that nobody cared if there was drama or an over (or under) cooked ham or turkey. At least to my childhood eyes, I never saw anything wrong with the chaos. The holidays always made me feel such a positive feeling, all ooey-gooey and cooey inside. Why do I feel so different now?

My therapists’ (yes several of them) say that it has some sense of dealing with childhood trauma, growing up, everyday stressor, grief yada yada yada, but I’m not ready to let that all go. As an adult, for those of us that have large demanding families, we slowly morphe into the people that made certain events like this feel so grand. Let me put it this way, sometimes it feel like i’m walking onto an ice rink that has melted and I must be the one to revive it before the rest of the family puts on their skates. I could honestly pull my hair out because of these stressors. So much planning goes into this so everyone has a great time while you suffer. 

And then the unappreciation of it all! How do I handle? I breathe. I step back and say, “you deal with it fam!”, totally kidding, but I do try to find the “magic” myself. I remind myself that I am doing this for me. I am in control and this is what I want. I dress the tree as I want, I cook what I want to eat and I invite who I want to see. Let’s be real, just because you are biologically related to someone doesn’t mean you have to put up with their bullshit. And If I don’t want to do ANY OF IT, that’s okay too. 

I’ve learned over the years, and with extensive therapy, that it’s okay to say no. It’s taken me 35 years to understand what having boundaries are and what setting them could potentially mean for my own sanity. I would rather wake up with no presents under MY tree than losing sleep. 

And another thing, I am a mother, and as such I believe that it is so much more important and meaningful to my daughter that she sees a happy mommy and not an overly stressed one. Indirectly I am showing her that she too needs to instill boundaries in her life and I hope it’s much sooner than when I learned of mine. Of course I will do all of everything for her but to my own rule book. If I can’t find that special toy that she desires, then okay. If I burn the cookies for Santa, oh well. None of that will matter down the line to either of us; it’s not going to dismantle hopes for peace on earth. 

All in all, the holidays of last winter’s past will always remain in my innocent childhood heart and I look forward to creating new memories and traditions with my daughter. The holidays can be great but my continuous  journey for mental peace will always reign supreme and I hope yours will too. We have enough triggers, especially with what’s going on in the world around us. Be kind to yourself and to others and always remember to set your boundaries before you set your calendar.