Someone asked about sociopathy vs narcissism and, I had never really delved into what sociopathy IS, until now. There are situations where a normal person has intelligent moral reasoning and yet a sociopath does not.

An example is a question to a 10-year-old boy: “If your neighbor’s house was on fire and thick, black smoke was coming out from everywhere, what would you do?” and in a multiple choice situation it could be an obvious two pronged answer; to call 911, and help to the best of your ability, (no matter what the other options that differed were). The ten year old boy answered, “Do I like these neighbors?” That is a sign of sociopathy, because there are no factors of liking someone or being with them or knowing them or whatever, when it comes to doing the right thing.

Basically, if you had walked away, or said it was someone else’s problem because you no longer liked them or what have you, only a sociopath would not have remorse or regret, if harm and suffering came to the person they had the opportunity to help or save. Worse off, if they were the one who helped ignite the fire, etc. 

“What is in it for me?”

This goes back to my concept of absolute truths vs relativism. The sociopath has a “it depends,” or “you made me do this, because of this or that,” or “what is in it for me?” (like I no longer like the neighbor, if the neighbor child survives the fire somehow without my care or help, I want to play with it, but It’s not my problem and I would rather go to the park instead. None of that relativism determines right vs wrong.  

Another example is a dog that was once bought for Christmas and named and loved it and it became pregnant in this person’s home. Whether the person provoked the dog or neglected it or whatever is really aside from the point, lets just say, this dog peed all over the person. It does not make it okay for them to drop them off in a town alone, or not care about the safety of the litter or well being of the dog itself, with that behavior as an excuse.

Perhaps, sure, the dog reacted in a way that upset the person, disappointed the person or whatever, but nothing warrants or gives any excuse to say, “well the dog is the cities problem now, or if the puppies survive and find their way to me, Ill name them too and love them so long as they act within my boundaries.” Or leaving the pregnant dog at the pound, with no regard to if it bled to death in labor or where it would go or who was there to care for the delivered pups, but yet showing back up at the pound for puppy rights, and “why won’t the pound just be amicable about it? why doesn’t anyone trust me with their dogs anymore? they must just be bitter and upset about that peeing bad dog (that I once loved) I left there. Oh but the puppies are different”

What is even more disgusting is when this person is out dog shopping or has a new one for the next Christmas and begins the breeding process with it, thinking it was only the old dog’s fault. Sickly, that option of abandonment is still in their head all along even with the new dog. Because “look around the world, all the pounds are full of dogs that way,” it is all relative right? And, that analogy is just a dog! Imagine a human person and child!

Absolute truth Vs relativism

 In fact, most people would believe in an absolute truth or absolute right vs wrong in that situation, if they even encountered a stray That WASN’T their dog, that way, an absolute feeling of moral compulsion to be there for the vulnerable exists. For the “greater good” regardless of personal feelings. Putting aside your immediate self interest for the greater good. Hence why some good Samaritans foster, hep adopt out or pick up the slack of the deadbeats or heartless in the world. And if you don’t care for and protect the old, pregnant, sick or children, what does that say about you? Especially not someone else’s stray or woman or child, but yours, even when once upon a time ago you pretended to care. Pretended to love them.

Traits of narcissistic sociopaths

Sociopathy is a lack of empathy, compassion and remorse. It is a lack of deep emotional attachments, major narcissism, and superficial levels of manipulative charm. That would explain why  sociopath chooses corrupt business alliances. There’s an element of impulsivity and attention deficit disorder. A hyperactive mind and all over the place demeanor. A stimulation seeking aggressiveness also exists.

Nurture versus nature does take into effect as well. Seeing as two siblings would share this trait versus two siblings raised apart without this behavior condoned,it is often instilled in childhood. Nurturing and one’s environment shapes the person. For example these same traits could be either used in a bad way with a self seeking intention or in a good way with an intention to help and protect people like a police officer versus a career criminal. 

The charm or allure

When you’re on a team or in business with someone sociopathic it is tempting and alluring because in a competitive situation it’s desirable to have someone on your team who cares nothing about the competition and is out to win at all costs. They will hurt anyone in their way to win. But, beware, because you have to think of what happens to you if and when you become an “anyone” as well. This sociopathic personality lacks any real loyalty, except to those who are also sociopathic (thus incapable of empathy, selfless or unconditional love or compassion or remorse) Anything or anyone that stands in the way of winning, to them, can go, or will be punished, or ruined or can be replaced. The top of the pyramid IS only them, and like a cheer formation, someone they are stepping on below, can simply be replaced. 

What is sad is that they absolutely know they are hurting people, the sociopath simply does NOT care. They by definition have a sense of self superiority or importance, and have a preoccupation with the idea of gaining success, power, love, money and physical attractiveness. Ones with this condition have a need for excessive admiration, which is proven when they cannot be alone, or abstinent, they have a need for someone, anyone, to validate them that way takes precedence over actual value and true connection. Hence this constant need to “move on,” because they are never whole within themselves, and there is nothing to “heal from” when they were never invested to begin with in actuality.

The sad truth

They exploit people and situations and even their children for personal gain. They have trouble handling criticism, stress and change, and easily become impatient or angry if they don’t feel they are being treated “correctly.” They have trouble regulating their behavior and emotions, feel easily slighted, and have many relationship problems. A tell-tell sign is a pattern of relationships that were “crazy,” or children hurt in the process, and seeing that they “never have fault”. The cycle of repetition It’s also known as “a pervasive pattern of disregard and violation of the rights of others, let alone feelings. 

These people are known to have debts they don’t pay off, impulsivity and lack of planning ahead especially financially, irritability that leads to aggressive, physical altercations. People with this, have a reckless lack of concern for the safety of other people, chronic irresponsibility which leads to failure to maintain a consistent job (look at how many companies or positions they have had over a decade etc) or the ability to finish school/higher education, or keep financial commitments, let alone marriages, or what it takes to truly be a parent. Worst of all is the lack of remorse for hurting other people. 

What causes it?

Although we don’t know what exactly causes this, these disorders are most common in males and females beginning in the teenage/early adult years. Some aspect of their upbringing or early environment, or even later stressors, combined with genetic predisposition or biology, leads to the disorder. 

A sociopathic narcissist will be COLD or SHUT OFF and callous but will also be seeking the admiration of others (and will believe they deserve it). It is common for them to have a disdain for people and think it is okay to exploit and dispose of others in whatever way helps them get ahead. They feel right, and feel justified, there will be no guilt, no apologies and no remorse coming from a narcissistic sociopath. After all it is just a game to them, and people are pawns. When the narcissistic sociopath gets tired of those people or they aren’t serving a useful role of supporting this, they will then be cast aside. 

The mask

The scariest part is that they are hard to spot. Narcissists and sociopaths often are charming, well dressed and take part in charitable causes like a “toys for tots event” while they abandoned a pregnancy and birth of their own, and gave no toy at all. These kinds of people only part of this charity or event not because they care, but because it makes them look good. Regardless of whatever harm the narcissistic sociopaths cause, they believe they are exempt from the moral code that everyone else follows. (accept the equally perverse, exploitative, self seeking or equally narcissistic or sociopathic common alliance.)

For instance a brother who shares this void moral compass and reinforces this bad behavior as being justified somehow. They cling to one another like birds of a feather, because together they can avoid accountability, remorse, change, actual unconditional or sacrificial love or ever doing anything that wasn’t entirely self-seeking for “the greater good.” It is then just the “to each their own,” or “for my own best self interest,” life motto.

Is he/she a narcissistic sociopath?

How do you know if a person is a narcissistic sociopath? Does this person: 1. Constantly make you feel like you are the problem not them? 2. Punish you with criticism, silence or abandonment? 3. Seems to get you to take responsibility for their errors or insults? Or only see your reaction as the problem? 4. Make you feel special or shower you with attention but then withdraw for no reason? (love bombing) 5. Obsess about their physical appearance or need compliments? 6. Do they keep odd opposite sex relationships that make you feel uncomfortable and claim its your insecurity when really it is their lack of empathy or respect? And do they enjoy this attention?

It is very unlikely that a person like this will see this as fact, sadly, or a problem, and ever be willing to be vulnerable enough to get help. They unfortunately, will never know real lasting love unless they do. It’s an empty life, destined for endless extreme highs and lows and no consistency or real meaning.

So, now what? …

My advice to anyone who is in a relationship with someone like this, Wanting accountability, value, remorse, love etc will only break your heart more. Stop giving yourself false hope when they will never even want to see it to try at all. Don’t hurt yourself holding on to someone who wants nothing more than to let you go. Let them go on, to the next victim, and you grow stronger without them instead. HAVE that real love you give and seek, and know it’s not you it is them. Keep them in your prayers, and forgive them even though you don’t have the apology you desperately want, you don’t need it to forgive and move on.

Be the bigger person. Protect yourself and never look back. Some of these people will see this in themselves and seek any type of change on their own, let alone value who they are with enough to do whatever it takes to be a better person and accountable for that change in themselves. You can’t make that happen no matter how much you love them or try to help them. They can only choose a new form when they see the problem and are willing to do something about it, for the “greater good,” not only themselves by the people they claim to love.